" 'I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!' he said mistakenly".
Endurance
Moving among a variety of Christian circles, I observed that there is a uniform longing and desire to invoke divine intervention for deliverance from the challenges of life. This is mainly expressed in prayers for healing, better finances and improved relationships. Here is a secret which required many years of labor for me to discover. No one ever taught it to me; it remains a secret to this day. What is almost unknown and unexpressed is that the major duty of a believer is ENDURANCE. It is what precedes any deliverance which may or may not be experienced. Once I stopped pursuing deliverance and became focused on endurance, the quality of life began to improve. The decrease in the amount of stress experienced was amazing.
Generally, we have not been taught about endurance, its importance, or how to endure. Ignorance is almost always expensive, so resolve to learn how to endure the challenges of life.
The concept of endurance may be misunderstood. It is not a passive state of victim-hood or martyrdom. It is actively managing life with an aggressive mindset to survive and overcome whatever challenges rise up before you. Understand that it is not an excuse to succumb to complete defeat. Notice that the goal of deliverance is not discarded; the path to deliverance is endurance!
Living a life is strictly practical - it proceeds regardless of attitude, positive or negative thinking, religious beliefs, values or feelings. All these things can obstruct your attempts to endure. I had to change and cast off many erroneous notions to become skillful at endurance. Living a life is really a process of building a life. It is unending hard labor which is never quite completed.
Like my paternal grandfather, I had a desire to live a simple life. Employment was an unpleasant interruption which had to be tolerated. Real life happened after the 8 hour shift was done. So, it was acceptable and preferable to work in a factory or in a menial job. The trouble was that these jobs did not pay enough to handle the practical side of life. Religion taught me that God would somehow take care of me if I would do certain things prescribed by those supposedly representing God or representing the natural workings of the cosmos. Of course becoming subject to such prescriptions only made me weaker and poorer.
In my distress, I prayed many prayers for economic deliverance. The anticipated, desired answer did not require any change on my part. I finally received an accurate answer that did not please me! The answer from God was that "…I was not using all my physical, human resources and capabilities". Thus there was no help for me to live this "simple life". I had to plan to go back to school, become educated, become very engaged in the work of making a living. Real life happens when you learn to effectively labor to make a living, when you become able to add value to your employer.
This answer was so hard to hear and accept. Once I fully accepted it, changed my beliefs, and actively pursued an education, help started coming my way. This was the start of a very difficult but rewarding journey which has not ended.
As taught and practiced, "prayer" is a useless, powerless ritual. We expect to trade on the affection of some deity as if our words will curry such favor and affection. Some prayer involves bargaining as if the supplicant will trade something for a divine favor. I have observed that some congregations even treat God as a type of vending machine.
Prayer is heart to heart communication within a relationship. "Heart" involves allegiance and commitment in that relationship. Thus, this communication involves me and my commitment to the one I am speaking with. Many answers require my action, growth and change which cannot be realized by passivity.
Remember the "Objective of the spiritual life" stated in the section "A Spiritual Life"? This objective sets the context of your prayers, it defines who you are in this life and your relationship with the one you pray to. When you pray, realize that the answers may require you to grow, change and take action.
Motivation
There are many ideas and theories about motivation, so what is meant by this word in the context of fatherhood?
Motivation is the internal processes initiated and controlled by you which enables you to bring forth the strength, endurance and courage to do (or not do) "anything". It is imperative that a father develop the skills of self motivation and to develop great endurance.
What do you have, what can you find inside yourself that can keep you strong enough to endure the difficult times? How can you give without regards to the response? How can you continue to love in the face of resistance and rejection? Sometimes you have to dig deep within yourself to find the motivating factors you need.
Feelings are not a reliable source of motivation. They come and go, often dissipating or become contrary at the very moment you think they are needed the most. When your feelings fail, it is your commitment, your values, your integrity that help you endure and stay on the required course. These values can be the catalyst which influences you to look at your children with empathy. Your feelings are not so important, but it is important to know their feelings and what your presence means to them! Their feelings need to be important to you!
A reliable source of inspiration and strength is available as you complete the work that God assigns to you. Taking responsibility to raise a child, is to accept from God the assignment of fatherhood. You work for God and are accountable to Him; there is no dependency on the responses of others. It is wonderful to have a good report from others, but it is not required.
To be a father is to work for God, to do His pleasure, to please Him. This brings great freedom, as you are not primarily accountable to your children or to the community you live in. Fatherhood can be a thankless role; gratitude is not guaranteed. That is why it is best to seek the praise that comes from God, not from people.
Many days were so challenging that I thought I had reached the breaking point. Not only were there practical and financial pressures but emotional pressures as well. It was my love for God, then the value of my integrity to maintain my vows before Him that kept me engaged in my work as a father. One such time I had been rejected and scorned by the community, neighbors, and my family. I deeply considered leaving, running away. Then I asked, "…who will look after my children? If I cannot not stop their self-destructive actions, who will stop them? Will these people have my children's best interest at heart?" I could not answer these questions. I knew and understood these children, inside and out; they were a part of me! I knew how the world did not understand them at all. So, again I stayed and took on the challenges, day after day, regardless of the response. In this situation, even my emotions worked against me. It was not my emotions that kept me going, it was my values and knowing the importance of my role; it was important to God.
People talk about the "favorite" son or daughter. This is a terrible concept. Each of my children lives deep in my heart, I could not lose any one of them without trauma and heartbreak. There are no "favorites", they are all loved. I taught them that "fairness" does not exist here; if they value fairness then they needed to move to a different planet. Each child has different needs and capabilities, thus they are treated differently, uniquely, as individuals. How this is done is almost an art. All the children have to be trained so that they do not become envious of each other or discouraged. This issue can be prevalent in families which have one or more disabled children. The bottom line is that the unique needs of each child must be known, understood, and met.
A child's conduct, especially as teens, has an impact on the relationship between a father and the child. The conduct does not have to change the love that is there, but it can change the manner in which the love is expressed. Some times dad has to be the "enforcer", to train the child to be self-controlled, to keep the child from harming himself or others. The role of the "enforcer" expresses just as much love as any other role, though it is not as pleasant.
The following about grandfathers is rather idealized. Given the baggage that we all have, your particular grandparents may not have all the qualities discussed here. However, they may have some qualities that would be useful in mentoring a new father.
Grandfathers have been through the fatherhood role to the point where his children have become adults and have produced one or more children. It is really important for the development of these young adults to be out on their own, handling their own responsibilities and challenges. Truthfully, it is important that they become strong and skillful so that they will be able to help take care of you in your old age. Yeah, life can be tough.
Fatherhood is life lived moment by moment, thought by thought, day by day. The children are extensions of their parents and are part and parcel of their lives. Thus even the simplest activities of daily living can become complicated. Children aren't the best at cooperating with busy, adult schedules. Small chores such as getting ready for school and work can degenerate into immense disasters, at least to the parents. Grandfathers have been there, done that, without ending live as we know it. So, they now can take a broader view of these traumatic events without becoming embroiled in the drama. They know how to relax and can help you relax.
Grandfathers have a better sense of what is important, what should be focused on, and what is not as important. For example the development and growth of a child only happens once. Educational institutions are fond of deferring challenges, using the "…wait and see…" tactic. This tactic of the incompetent is not to be tolerated. A grandfather might know of this by experience and could impart some good problem solving advice.
Validation
It is a mistake to allow your children to be the source of validation of your performance, effectiveness and efforts as a father. Children are sentient beings with freedom of choice. No matter how well you do as a father, your children could reject these efforts; they could reject you and what you teach them. Validation is a critical category of life which requires accurate discernment of what is good and what is evil. Condemnation, especially self condemnation, can quickly weaken even the strongest person.
A father does what he ought to do, which is rarely what his children want him to do. Often his actions and goals are not what society or the community wants. Do not be surprised if the community and the public institutions become intractable opponents to you.
The real validation of a father comes from his heavenly father and no one else! Be ready; there are many unhelpful critics around who will let you know how flawed you and your children are.
The religious institutions are skilled at discouraging and shutting people down so they become dependent upon a dead organization. These places are full of abusive suggestions and instruction to obtain dubious results, i.e. compliant, passive, and even broken children. According to the critical eye of the stonehearted religious critics, your measure as a father and a man is determined by how well your children behave. The impact of this doctrine is to make you a puppet of your children. This is one reason why it is important to know who you really work for and who you answer to!
The government propaganda indoctrination institutions (public schools) aren't much better than the religious institutions. These organizations strive to produce brain-dead, insecure, compliant and broken children regardless what you work to accomplish. They rely upon passive, ignorant, insecure, compliant parents so they can maintain their abuse without interference.
Both institutions require you to pay for the privilege of ruining and exploiting your children! If you courageously rise up to actually father your children, you will be challenged and criticized. The authorities of these institutions will critically judge and condemn any who dare not comply with their corporate policies and procedures. It is best that fathers not depend upon these institutions for assistance or encouragement.
Most of a parent's experience with the issue of "validation" is on the basis of a very small time frame, from a day to a handful of years. The short-term product of your work will be judged by a variety of people and institutions. Yet, your work results will not be finalized for decades. My siblings and I were a mixed lot; mother despaired at what would become of us. Yet, before she died she praised us and thanked God for who we had become. She gave witness that "…God had answered all her prayers…" My mother and father had suffered greatly at the hands of the religious, but God validated their work.
In a similar manner, children desire (sometimes deeply) for the approval, the validation from their father. A wise father will find a way to provide this to them. This, again, requires knowledge of your children and what they need.
After a particularly trying period of time, things needed to be healed between me and my children. I had no idea even how to start! One evening, while they were going to bed, I listened as they were all saying their prayers. It came to me that I needed to pray for them. So, there with my children, I said my prayer for them. I thanked God for each of my children, that they were in my life and how wonderful they were. This was not a technique or a trick, but was inspired by God. Opening my heart that evening did wonders for our relationship and softened much of the tension that had built up.
My father was not an easy child to raise, neither was I, nor were my children. Many times, very little was done by my children that could be approved. However, every day there were things that I could find to praise and to validate. I worked to make sure to tell them that I loved them every day, no matter what was going on.
The fruit of your efforts and an accurate validation of you as a father, probably won’t happen until your children become grandparents themselves (or they become older than 40). Don’t judge yourself harshly in the meantime.
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Fatherhood, Part 6
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Endurance and Motivation
" 'I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!' he said mistakenly".
Endurance
Moving among a variety of Christian circles, I observed that there is a uniform longing and desire to invoke divine intervention for deliverance from the challenges of life. This is mainly expressed in prayers for healing, better finances and improved relationships. Here is a secret which required many years of labor for me to discover. No one ever taught it to me; it remains a secret to this day. What is almost unknown and unexpressed is that the major duty of a believer is ENDURANCE. It is what precedes any deliverance which may or may not be experienced. Once I stopped pursuing deliverance and became focused on endurance, the quality of life began to improve. The decrease in the amount of stress experienced was amazing.
Generally, we have not been taught about endurance, its importance, or how to endure. Ignorance is almost always expensive, so resolve to learn how to endure the challenges of life.
The concept of endurance may be misunderstood. It is not a passive state of victim-hood or martyrdom. It is actively managing life with an aggressive mindset to survive and overcome whatever challenges rise up before you. Understand that it is not an excuse to succumb to complete defeat. Notice that the goal of deliverance is not discarded; the path to deliverance is endurance!
Living a life is strictly practical - it proceeds regardless of attitude, positive or negative thinking, religious beliefs, values or feelings. All these things can obstruct your attempts to endure. I had to change and cast off many erroneous notions to become skillful at endurance. Living a life is really a process of building a life. It is unending hard labor which is never quite completed.
Like my paternal grandfather, I had a desire to live a simple life. Employment was an unpleasant interruption which had to be tolerated. Real life happened after the 8 hour shift was done. So, it was acceptable and preferable to work in a factory or in a menial job. The trouble was that these jobs did not pay enough to handle the practical side of life. Religion taught me that God would somehow take care of me if I would do certain things prescribed by those supposedly representing God or representing the natural workings of the cosmos. Of course becoming subject to such prescriptions only made me weaker and poorer.
In my distress, I prayed many prayers for economic deliverance. The anticipated, desired answer did not require any change on my part. I finally received an accurate answer that did not please me! The answer from God was that "…I was not using all my physical, human resources and capabilities". Thus there was no help for me to live this "simple life". I had to plan to go back to school, become educated, become very engaged in the work of making a living. Real life happens when you learn to effectively labor to make a living, when you become able to add value to your employer.
This answer was so hard to hear and accept. Once I fully accepted it, changed my beliefs, and actively pursued an education, help started coming my way. This was the start of a very difficult but rewarding journey which has not ended.
As taught and practiced, "prayer" is a useless, powerless ritual. We expect to trade on the affection of some deity as if our words will curry such favor and affection. Some prayer involves bargaining as if the supplicant will trade something for a divine favor. I have observed that some congregations even treat God as a type of vending machine.
Prayer is heart to heart communication within a relationship. "Heart" involves allegiance and commitment in that relationship. Thus, this communication involves me and my commitment to the one I am speaking with. Many answers require my action, growth and change which cannot be realized by passivity.
Remember the "Objective of the spiritual life" stated in the section "A Spiritual Life"? This objective sets the context of your prayers, it defines who you are in this life and your relationship with the one you pray to. When you pray, realize that the answers may require you to grow, change and take action.
Motivation
There are many ideas and theories about motivation, so what is meant by this word in the context of fatherhood?
Motivation is the internal processes initiated and controlled by you which enables you to bring forth the strength, endurance and courage to do (or not do) "anything". It is imperative that a father develop the skills of self motivation and to develop great endurance.
What do you have, what can you find inside yourself that can keep you strong enough to endure the difficult times? How can you give without regards to the response? How can you continue to love in the face of resistance and rejection? Sometimes you have to dig deep within yourself to find the motivating factors you need.
Feelings are not a reliable source of motivation. They come and go, often dissipating or become contrary at the very moment you think they are needed the most. When your feelings fail, it is your commitment, your values, your integrity that help you endure and stay on the required course. These values can be the catalyst which influences you to look at your children with empathy. Your feelings are not so important, but it is important to know their feelings and what your presence means to them! Their feelings need to be important to you!
A reliable source of inspiration and strength is available as you complete the work that God assigns to you. Taking responsibility to raise a child, is to accept from God the assignment of fatherhood. You work for God and are accountable to Him; there is no dependency on the responses of others. It is wonderful to have a good report from others, but it is not required.
To be a father is to work for God, to do His pleasure, to please Him. This brings great freedom, as you are not primarily accountable to your children or to the community you live in. Fatherhood can be a thankless role; gratitude is not guaranteed. That is why it is best to seek the praise that comes from God, not from people.
Many days were so challenging that I thought I had reached the breaking point. Not only were there practical and financial pressures but emotional pressures as well. It was my love for God, then the value of my integrity to maintain my vows before Him that kept me engaged in my work as a father. One such time I had been rejected and scorned by the community, neighbors, and my family. I deeply considered leaving, running away. Then I asked, "…who will look after my children? If I cannot not stop their self-destructive actions, who will stop them? Will these people have my children's best interest at heart?" I could not answer these questions. I knew and understood these children, inside and out; they were a part of me! I knew how the world did not understand them at all. So, again I stayed and took on the challenges, day after day, regardless of the response. In this situation, even my emotions worked against me. It was not my emotions that kept me going, it was my values and knowing the importance of my role; it was important to God.
People talk about the "favorite" son or daughter. This is a terrible concept. Each of my children lives deep in my heart, I could not lose any one of them without trauma and heartbreak. There are no "favorites", they are all loved. I taught them that "fairness" does not exist here; if they value fairness then they needed to move to a different planet. Each child has different needs and capabilities, thus they are treated differently, uniquely, as individuals. How this is done is almost an art. All the children have to be trained so that they do not become envious of each other or discouraged. This issue can be prevalent in families which have one or more disabled children. The bottom line is that the unique needs of each child must be known, understood, and met.
A child's conduct, especially as teens, has an impact on the relationship between a father and the child. The conduct does not have to change the love that is there, but it can change the manner in which the love is expressed. Some times dad has to be the "enforcer", to train the child to be self-controlled, to keep the child from harming himself or others. The role of the "enforcer" expresses just as much love as any other role, though it is not as pleasant.
The following about grandfathers is rather idealized. Given the baggage that we all have, your particular grandparents may not have all the qualities discussed here. However, they may have some qualities that would be useful in mentoring a new father.
Grandfathers have been through the fatherhood role to the point where his children have become adults and have produced one or more children. It is really important for the development of these young adults to be out on their own, handling their own responsibilities and challenges. Truthfully, it is important that they become strong and skillful so that they will be able to help take care of you in your old age. Yeah, life can be tough.
Fatherhood is life lived moment by moment, thought by thought, day by day. The children are extensions of their parents and are part and parcel of their lives. Thus even the simplest activities of daily living can become complicated. Children aren't the best at cooperating with busy, adult schedules. Small chores such as getting ready for school and work can degenerate into immense disasters, at least to the parents. Grandfathers have been there, done that, without ending live as we know it. So, they now can take a broader view of these traumatic events without becoming embroiled in the drama. They know how to relax and can help you relax.
Grandfathers have a better sense of what is important, what should be focused on, and what is not as important. For example the development and growth of a child only happens once. Educational institutions are fond of deferring challenges, using the "…wait and see…" tactic. This tactic of the incompetent is not to be tolerated. A grandfather might know of this by experience and could impart some good problem solving advice.
Validation
It is a mistake to allow your children to be the source of validation of your performance, effectiveness and efforts as a father. Children are sentient beings with freedom of choice. No matter how well you do as a father, your children could reject these efforts; they could reject you and what you teach them. Validation is a critical category of life which requires accurate discernment of what is good and what is evil. Condemnation, especially self condemnation, can quickly weaken even the strongest person.
A father does what he ought to do, which is rarely what his children want him to do. Often his actions and goals are not what society or the community wants. Do not be surprised if the community and the public institutions become intractable opponents to you.
The real validation of a father comes from his heavenly father and no one else! Be ready; there are many unhelpful critics around who will let you know how flawed you and your children are.
The religious institutions are skilled at discouraging and shutting people down so they become dependent upon a dead organization. These places are full of abusive suggestions and instruction to obtain dubious results, i.e. compliant, passive, and even broken children. According to the critical eye of the stonehearted religious critics, your measure as a father and a man is determined by how well your children behave. The impact of this doctrine is to make you a puppet of your children. This is one reason why it is important to know who you really work for and who you answer to!
The government propaganda indoctrination institutions (public schools) aren't much better than the religious institutions. These organizations strive to produce brain-dead, insecure, compliant and broken children regardless what you work to accomplish. They rely upon passive, ignorant, insecure, compliant parents so they can maintain their abuse without interference.
Both institutions require you to pay for the privilege of ruining and exploiting your children! If you courageously rise up to actually father your children, you will be challenged and criticized. The authorities of these institutions will critically judge and condemn any who dare not comply with their corporate policies and procedures. It is best that fathers not depend upon these institutions for assistance or encouragement.
Most of a parent's experience with the issue of "validation" is on the basis of a very small time frame, from a day to a handful of years. The short-term product of your work will be judged by a variety of people and institutions. Yet, your work results will not be finalized for decades. My siblings and I were a mixed lot; mother despaired at what would become of us. Yet, before she died she praised us and thanked God for who we had become. She gave witness that "…God had answered all her prayers…" My mother and father had suffered greatly at the hands of the religious, but God validated their work.
In a similar manner, children desire (sometimes deeply) for the approval, the validation from their father. A wise father will find a way to provide this to them. This, again, requires knowledge of your children and what they need.
After a particularly trying period of time, things needed to be healed between me and my children. I had no idea even how to start! One evening, while they were going to bed, I listened as they were all saying their prayers. It came to me that I needed to pray for them. So, there with my children, I said my prayer for them. I thanked God for each of my children, that they were in my life and how wonderful they were. This was not a technique or a trick, but was inspired by God. Opening my heart that evening did wonders for our relationship and softened much of the tension that had built up.
My father was not an easy child to raise, neither was I, nor were my children. Many times, very little was done by my children that could be approved. However, every day there were things that I could find to praise and to validate. I worked to make sure to tell them that I loved them every day, no matter what was going on.
The fruit of your efforts and an accurate validation of you as a father, probably won’t happen until your children become grandparents themselves (or they become older than 40). Don’t judge yourself harshly in the meantime.
(c) 2022 Keith S. Radcliffe